For most people the song, “I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause” probably conjures up fun memories of Christmas, perhaps even caroling for old folks. It is, after all a Christmas time standard, but for me it was slightly different.
I was about 5 years old the first time I remember hearing that song. It was at the elementary school auditorium and we were all there to see my brother and sisters sing Christmas songs in the Christmas pageant. I was seated right beside my mother with my father opposite her when it happened. I can even remember where I sat relative to the kid singing.
Now, I loved my mother. She’s been dead now since around 1990, but im my little 5 year old brain my mother could do no wrong and neither could my dad for that matter, but that evening of entertainment brought Santa’s sparkling reputation into question along with the kid singing’s mother… Oh what devious things go on when nobody is looking except for the little ones lurking in the shadows. So much for the all seeing eye of Santa Clause, huh? Just who was that fat, jolly, shadowy figure anyway? And who runs around in that kind of silly looking red suit anyway? Only perverts obviously..
And so it began innocently enough.
“I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep down the stairs to have a peep
she thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep
Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen mommy kissing santa claus last night…”
Boy! That really speaks volumes to the kid’s mother’s reputation, huh? Yes, I remember my dark thoughts that one crisp winter evening that was supposed to be all fun and joy. The thing I remember from that night, and it was the ONLY thing I remember thinking was…. “That’s because YOUR mom’s a WHORE! MY mommy ONLY kisses MY daddy and NOT strange fat guys who sneak into homes one night every year dressed in some absolutely ridiculous looking red suit!”
For the purposes of this exercise in futility I can only assume that kid, who by the way was snitching on his own mother to the entire auditorium about her infidelities with his father got NOTHING that year for Christmas nor should he have and the poor bastard, his father had to learn of his wife’s infidelity in front of the entire community!
Christmas has never been the same for me.